UPDATE: Bezos’ Wealth Hits Record $141 Billion; Even the New Internet Sales Tax Can’t Save Him!

UPDATE: Pete the Cooler has been following this story since December 2017 (originally reported here) and I have provided ongoing updates to the story here, here, here, and here. Jeff Bezos may be the richest single person on the planet as his wealth hits $141 Billion, but Bezos is still poor in one way. Jeff suffers from a serious shrinking condition known as Concave Billionis Plasmolysis. Unfortunately for Jeff, even the recent Supreme Court decision allowing states to collect sales tax on internet purchases is unlikely to stop his growing tsunami of riches.

Jeff Bezos’ medical condition is quite rare, affecting only 1 in 1 trillion people. Its primary and devastating effect is that as personal net worth increases, height decreases. In the Concave phase, it is reversible, so Bezos could cure himself through absolute financial implosion or pre-death charitable distribution of most of his wealth. Unfortunately, if his wealth continues to accumulate, the condition will develop into Convex Trillionis Plasmolysis, which is irreversible and would leave Jeff Bezos a very tiny man, permanently.

Poor Jeff Bezos

Jeff’s recent financial gains have robbed him of yet another half-inch from his rapidly diminishing vertical height. The new shrinkage of 0.5 inches, reduces his height to 57.9 inches. To put it in perspective, that is the average height of a 12 year-old boy (as you can see from this chart).

At his current financial growth rate, Bezos will be the size of a 9 year-old within the next five years.

We all wish the best for Jeff. And Pete the Cooler is publicly volunteering to help Jeff turn the tide of this serious problem. Jeff, I am willing to accept a large, cash gift from you if it will ensure that you don’t get stepped on or accidentally vacuumed up by a Roomba.

 

Read the original article below:

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Amazon has announced today that its founder and CEO, Jeff Bezos, has been diagnosed with a rare condition known as Billionis Plasmolysis that causes him to shrink in stature as his wealth increases.

With a net worth of approximately $100 billion, the condition is currently in the Concave Billionis Plasmolysis phase, which is still reversible. However, as Bezos’ wealth continues to approach $1 trillion, the condition is expected to become irreversible, a phase known as Convex Trillionis Plasmolysis – which would leave Jeff Bezos a very tiny man, forever.

Jeff Bezos was 5 feet 7-inches when he started Amazon.com in the early 1994. Because Bezos’ current height was not disclosed by Amazon, sources speculated that he may now only stand “a hair” over 5 feet tall. Doctors have indicated they believe Bezos could shrink by as much as 10% for every $100 million in wealth he gains. As a result, Bezos would measure in with a height of only 3 feet 4-inches at a net worth of $500 million and a height of only 1 foot 11-inches by the time he becomes the first Trillionaire in the world. While achieving a net worth of $1 trillion is a remarkable accomplishment, sadly, by that point his condition will have evolved to Convex phase and even losing his wealth through catastrophic financial implosion or philanthropically distributing his wealth would not reverse the effects and he would remain tiny for the remainder of his life (which devastatingly could be forever as the Billionaire class rapidly develops technology to make them immortal.)

Eery Similarities to 1950’s-era Film

The condition, which affects only 1 in 1 trillion people, produces symptoms eerily similar to those presented in the 1957 film, The Incredible Shrinking Man

Scott Carey (Grant Williams) encounters a mysterious radioactive mist on a boating trip and soon finds his life taking on a bizarre and frightening twist. His physical size begins to diminish as he shrinks to a mere two inches. Suddenly ordinary household situations loom over him with lethal intensity: a playful cat becomes a demon and a spider becomes a gargantuan monster. Carey finds he must rely on his wits to survive in his new oversized world in this fascinating film based on Richard Matheson’s riveting screenplay.

Sources report that Jeff Bezos, (on-and-off) the world’s richest man, is very sensitive about about his diminishing stature and fears being tiny, but has decided if he has to be tiny, he will make sure he is THE tiniest man in the world.

Bezos Uses ‘Downsizing’ Film as Propaganda to Normalize Tinyness

Bezos’ concern about his condition may be the reason Amazon Studios aggressively bid for the distribution rights to the new Matt Damon movie, Downsizing.

Friends close to Jeff Bezos believe the film is an attempt to normalize tiny people as his wealth explodes and his stature diminishes.

Additionally, Bezos has reportedly told staff to feature men’s platformed shoes regularly in the Lighting Deals section of Amazon.com.

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