Activist Investors Attempt to Take NorPol Inc. Private

Activist investors are attempting a hostile takeover of NorPol Inc., with the intent to take the company private.

NorPol Inc. (ticker symbol: GIFT), founded in 1773 and headquartered in the North Pole, is the global leader in toy manufacturing and delivery. The company is a consumer favorite, consistently ranked first in brand reputation and customer satisfaction.

Despite its favored status with consumers, NorPol has disappointed shareholders on a quarterly basis as it regularly fails to generate returns on equity and has not moved fast enough to modernize operations.

Soros Fund Management, the firm leading the activist shareholder revolt, holds the position that taking NorPol Inc. private would maximize the returns to their shares and provide flexibility to make structural and operational changes that may not be welcomed by the very loyal retail investor class that make up most of the company’s shareholders.

Assuming it succeeds in its attempt to take the company private, Soros Fund Management intends to immediately force Santa Claus out as Chairman and CEO, an impossibility if the company remains publicly traded due to Santa’s incredible popularity. Additionally, it would like to see Mrs. Claus removed from her seat on the board and replaced with Soros Fund Management’s own choice, George Soros.

Credit: Satan

Soros Fund Management is unhappy with NorPol’s lackluster revenues and operating margins, and displeased with what it claims are a “grossly negligent, high cost structure.”

NorPol pays its workers relatively low wages, as the joyful, indigenous elf population in the North Pole considers labor to be virtuous and don’t really have a need for U.S. dollars as currency. Yet, the investors led by Soros are looking for even lower overhead costs and aim to break up the Elves Union, decrease the headcount, and eliminate worker perks like the free candy buffet, replacing it with a cheaper option (like the basket of asparagus located near the water fountain as Etsy’s new management recently implemented.)

Soros Fund Management perceives it can achieve improved financial performance by improving NorPol’s massive manufacturing issues. The investors intend to even out production flows by creating earlier cutoff dates for the naughty and nice lists to eliminate late-year swapping of precious production slots caused by last-minute acts of kindness which rectify the previous months’ misbehavior.

Most meaningful to the Soros-led investors is to install a global manufacturing footprint beyond the lone North Pole factory to increase logistics efficiency by putting assets in the right place, at the right time. To his credit, Santa has utilized a more global supply base in recent years; you may have noticed “made in China” stamped on a few of the gifts he left under the tree for you on Christmas morning.

Credit: China Photos/Getty Images

Other costly problems facing the toymaker include an aging reindeer fleet and the need for increasingly sophisticated counter measures to protect Santa from the threat of international terrorism and the proliferation of home security camera systems that easily upload footage to sites like Youtube.

Santa Rejects the Bid by Activist Investors

NorPol scoffed at the Soros proposal, saying it would need $500 trillion of debt financing — a prospect it said was “unlikely.” It would also require current shareholders — including Santa Claus himself — to roll their shares into the new private venture owned by Soros.

Santa told financial media outlets that Soros is focused only on short-term profit that may destroy the company’s ability to survive, and spread joy, in the long-term.

Santa Claus wards off Soros
CEO Santa Claus during Press Event

Santa dismissed the practicality of the activist investors’ plans for inorganic growth through acquisition of Moshe The Mensch, noting that he has unsuccessfully tried acquiring other religions in the past.

NorPol commented in its official response, “The company does not take Soros’ proposal as bona fide in that Soros is the beneficial owner of 1 million common NorPol shares worth approximately $7 billion,” NorPol said.

“Santa has no intention of rolling his shares into such a transaction, and the Company believes a debt financing of $500 tillion is highly unlikely,” NorPol said.

But this is not the first time that NorPol shares have been rocked by rumors of going private. Back in the 1700’s, Soros father, Satan, attempted a similar strategy but was countered by an ad-hoc investor group comprised of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future; and Warren Buffet.

Many analysts believe that NorPol can weather this current snowstorm as well. In fact, shareholder support is increasing as word leaked yesterday that NorPol was considering a strategic partnership with Amazon

for gift fulfillment, AWS Cloud Services, and logistics, including supplanting the aged raindeer fleet with Amazon’s Prime Air.

Amazon Prime Air

For now, the toymaker denies the report but when asked Thursday if Amazon was working with NorPol on a transaction, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos replied, “Amazon has your wish list, and we’re coming to town” before shrinking another 3 inches.

Reps from Soros Fund Management did not immediately respond to requests to comment as they were on vacation in hell.

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